My Heart has Stopped

This pain trickels like blood from this heart down to my finger tips dripping to the ground. My tears whispering how? The pain unbearable causing my body to ache as my stomach turns to ice. My trust broken, shattering to the earth. Doubt etching its way into all my thoughts and memories. Forgiving is something my heart yearns for, but forgetting is what it aches for.

This perfect image that i had come so accustomed to is threatening to ripe my life apart and knock it off its henges. Desperation, longing, and dispair taking its place. Distance tearring my heart to pieces. The beautiful thing my heart once wasnow shrivels and whithers in your delicate hands. Tears begin to fall as both of us reach across the heavens to get safely home. Arms outstretched remembering what once was, leaving a gapeing hole where I used to be. My haven it used to be but so far the distance ... I become alonse and cold. No longer safe with the warmth of your tender embrace. I sit alone now tears streaming down my face abandoned by myself, left with only memories to tourment me. Desperate deep longing to see your face and feel your embrace once again. My heart aches to be close to you again. Weak and tired of being strong i have nothing to lean on with you gone falling with no end in sight. The sun shines warm in my world with you around, lifting me to heights never reached before. Seeing that last beam of hope i run towards it. Praying and hopeing for relief. But i continue with your wonderful face ... so vivid in my mind, my last hope.

A poem To me From Todd

The measure of love taken as if by tempature , our limbs entwine and embrace, love eminates from all around and we sink into the most sacred of all the lord's blessings, that being love shared between two hearts called yours and mine.I say the words that bring you to tears as a glimmer falls soft and silent to the earth. Stars above speachless as the night air surrounds us in a blanket of warm air from the last breath of summer. Tonight it is two hearts called yours and mine, love bonding them together to make one. You and me making us. I take you in my arms and hold you secure protecting you from the world so dark and ruthless. I lift your face to mine and our lips meet sending oeverwhleming feelings of everything pure and sparking and lighting the night sky. I want to be with you forever. I want to make the moment of our most pure and truest love making it stretch forever. You and I, me and you, One and one. Us forever and ever in this moment of true love.

Just an Illusion....

Before you my life was bleak and dark. Knowing nothing of light or the sun. You came like a bright beam of hope in my dungeon of thick, mirky, darkness. You reached for my hand, reluctintally, blindly, I took it. Putting my faith in something not known and forign.

You believed in me where others faultered. You helped me find my ground. You tought me how to swim in the deepest oceans of the heart. When i slipped you rushed to my side and gently lifted me up. Giving me a brush to so delicatly paint an image of of you, only to put to much faith in the brush.... Time is at our backs pleading; with moments passing by like a smear in a painting. 

I gave you all i had left of my heart, delicate, and oh so breakable. You cupped it in your hands so carefully at first, only to realize too late, how weak your hands were, and seeing another, so easily dropped it. You took advantage of the power that came from holding my heart and be littled me with that abuse. I then watched, how easily you let my heart go. You shattered an already fragile heart...

A dark figure approaches to take my now ashen dead heart, to burry the remains.. it is no longer a figure.. it is a man. That face I could never forget. As you burry my heart, I realize you never wanted it in the first place. I clung so dearly to a reality that never came to be. You lead my heart to believe you truly loved me, only to burn me with the acidic fire of your words and actions. 

I believed you could change. The only thing i didnt prepare for was the fall. I followed you blindly trusting your voice only to be lead away from the truth. All I am left with are the lies you left, to burry myself with, for my grave. I will sleep now, knowing many lessons are learned, never forgetting the times we had. With my trust broken, I lay dieing in my perfect grave that you, yourself dug. You walk away leaving only the stars to witness your last act. Leaving me with only the broken shards of what was ... just an illusion...

Angel of light

My Angel of light, quietly heaven sent
Mending my ashen heart
Savior of hope, Reedemer of love in my frozen eyes
Beam of light that penitrates consuming darkness.

The smoldering flame that melts the bitterness in my heart, welding the broken pieces together again.
The guiding light to lead me out of the pit of hopless dispair.

Hands grasping, clinging, onto my glimpse, and glimmer of my one true happiness.
I have fallen. On this cold, hard groundwith this new prospect of eternal bliss.
Unprepared and weak for the journey ahead, yet you take me in your endless, unconditional embrace, again, never to let go....
♥♥♥

It is true that love catches us off guard. Never seeing it nudge and pull at our heart strings. Triping us into the puddle of Bitter-sweetness. I was sick of the "Maybe's" and "What if's";Only to simply to find my "Real deal". My heart melted at his words, never expeting it to be My fairytale. He has done more for me then he or I even know, or comprehend. He caught me off guard and pulled me into his arms. I know he is here to teach me how to truly love, and BE loved. And THAT was something I didnt even know I needed. He constantly takes my breathe away... His intentions only to prove his love to me constantly, hopeing, never expecting for my love in return. But he has it. We both have so much to gain and to loose... but that doesnt matter.. as long as we have each other...

♥♥♥

Happiness is a choice!

I needed a place to vent and here is were I'm going to say a little of what i am feeling..

Sometimes I get so sick of the pain I have to go through in life.. and sometimes it feels like its the only thing you ever get to feel.. but that's just it. Happiness is a CHOICE, but sometimes its the hardest choice to make! You want to get back up, but that is also a hard choice to make as well.. it is hard getting up on your own, but that is the great thing, you are never alone. You always have your savior. Its hard sometimes to have faith that he is there, because you cant see him physically but he is ALWAYS there. He has his loving hand out for you to grab.. all you have to DECIDE is to take it. And i think that is the first step to true happiness.

Pain is an extraordinary thing. When you go through it it is excruciating, but when the trial is over, it makes us that much stronger. It is sooo HARD to get through pain.. some of the hardest things in life are because of pain. I think that one day we will understand pain fully , and for right now that is enough for me to know, i will KNOW why it is i had each and every trail of pain in my life, and it all had its purpose. That is the true comfort to me in the reasoning with pain.

When it comes to pain and your heart...Your heart can feel like it has been ripped out and stabbed, shredded, and stomped on, then you carefully try to scotch tape it back together, knowing it will never be the same.. only hoping someone will come along to super glue it back together, knowing he/she will have to take you; some broken pieces missing, but none the less wholeheartedly, willing and loving, able to take you into their arms and hold you together as long as it may take. Willing to wait and love you, while you heal. Pain eventually ebbs, and you can dismiss it, and eventually let go. Each step, each dawn brightens a little more each day, as we slowly release the pain and move on. Not ever fully forgetting. For pain is never fully gone, imprinted on our hearts, by a scalpel, left with scares, but the one thing we all have to realize is happiness IS a CHOICE!

Slipped away

Have you ever sat poundering why you hold on the way you do to someone for so long? Maybe we dont want to let go because we are afraid of the pain we may feel. We would rather hold on for our dear lives then face the facts. And rather then feeling the pain 100 knives couldnt compair, we turn and cling to a reality that doesnt exsist except in our own mind. Maybe we're afraid of when and if we do realize its that way, and afraid of the after. Will that person change to someone we dont recognize..or have they really been that way the whole time? And its "me" that is changeing...
It all comes down to that fact that these people were and are a part of our lives and have left their fingerprints on our hearts. And no matter how hard we try to forget we know we can't.
The truth of it is we dont let go until we are ready...And sometimes thats why we have to wait.......
We let go........

AVRIL LAVIGNE LYRICS"Slipped Away"

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
OooohNa na na na na na na
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't
Oooooh
I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Ooooh
I had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened, you passed by
Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go,
Somewhere your not coming back
The day you slipped away
Was the day i found it won't be the same noo..
The day you slipped away
Was the day that i found it won't be the same
oooh...Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you